Recruitment
by Lady Scarlet-Une
Summary: Um...this was supposed to be funny. Key word=supposed.
1. Default Chapter Title

Um...I just had this floating around in my head for awhile. Sorry that it's not very funny. :-(

~LS-U

Recruitment

by Lady Scarlet-Une

"Colonel Treize!"

"Yes Major?"

"The latest statistics you asked for have just come in. As feared, OZ enlistment rates have dropped 65% in the past year, sir."

"How unfortunate." Pause. "Did you come up with a plan to rectify this situation like I asked?"

"Er....yes I did, sir. After extensive discussions with my staff, we have decided that the best way to alleviate the current situation is to launch a massive ad campaign."

"Hmm, an intriguing notion. Do you have any preliminary ideas about what you'll advertise as of yet?"

"Um...you could say that..."

"Major, this is not a time to be timid about burgeoning ideas. This enlistment trend has alarmed me, and much fortitude and boldness is needed to correct the current slump and usher OZ into a state of military prowess necessary for defeating the Gundam pilots. Therefore, your timidity is not becoming of an officer of your rank and is not befitting the situation at hand. Please hand over that paper so that I may peruse your findings."

"Uh..okay."

Minutes pass. Treize's expression goes through a series of changes ranging from surprise to anger to resignation.

"To think we've sunk this low." Silence followed by a defeated sigh. "Make it so, Major."

"Yes sir!"

****  
TV Ad #1

A haggard man, dressed in a white undershirt and boxers, sits at a dirty table in a dingy kitchen. Behind him, a large rat scurries across a countertop and begins nibbling on some crusted leftovers on an unwashed plate. The man is nursing a beer and the floor around him is littered with many empty beer bottles. 

"Morty!" cries a voice off camera. A woman, dressed in a tattered pink bathrobe and curlers, strides into the kitchen. "I TOLD you to mow the friggin' lawn! How many times must I TELL you to do things?! You're such a sorry *!~@ and @!$^. And furthermore, *^&#$!." And so forth and so on. Suddenly, the scene freezes and Lady Une, in her I-Love-the-Animals! persona, walks into the room and addresses the camera.

"Are you tired of the same old routine? Is your old woman dragging you down and making you miserable? Then --" Lady Une rips off her suit to reveal a skimpy white bikini.

"Join OZ!"

The nasty kitchen disappears and 'Morty' reappears dressed in a pair of palm-tree print Speedos drinking a margarita. Many voluptuous women are draped all over him, all wearing camouflage-print string bikinis with the word OZ tattooed onto various suggestive parts of their bodies.

"See the world! See outer space!" The camera does a close-up on Une's face. She licks her lips and lowers her eyelids seductively. "See many, many interesting things," she purrs throatily. 

Everyone turns and looks at the camera.

"JOIN TODAY!"

Ad #2

A couple walks hand in hand down a beach during a beautiful sunset. Suddenly, they stop and the man grabs both the woman's hands.

"Listen, Moira. The time we've spent together has been wonderful and I've never been happier in my life. I-I want to ask you something, darling."

"What is it, Scott?" she replies breathlessly. Scott gets down on one knee. 

"Moira...will you marry me?"

A brief painful silence follows.

"No. I'm sorry, but I can't!" Moira covers her face with her hands and begins to sob loudly. Scott, looking stunned, leaps to his feet and grabs her shoulders.

"Why not?!" he cries, a wounded look etched onto his handsome features.

"Because...because....you're not manly enough for me!" She looks up and stares into the sunset, a dreamy look on her face. "I need a REAL man! I need..." Pause. "...an OZ soldier."

Scott releases her shoulders and steps back, looking determined. "Well, if that's what it takes, baby, you've got it."

*** 6 Months Later ***

Moira hears someone knocking on her door and opens it to reveal GI Joe Scott complete with camouflage vest (no shirt under, this showing his rippling muscles), fatigues, and dogtags. A scar runs down his cheek (only adding to his manliness!). His whole ensemble is topped off with five o'clock stubble.

"Scott!"

"Moira, I've become an OZ soldier now. I've learned how to shoot a rifle, pilot a Mobil Suit, and live off a medium-sized parakeet for eight weeks. Will you take me now?"

"Oh Scott! I LOVE you!" She throws herself into his arms and they kiss passionately amidst a frame of bubbles and hearts.

OZ= Key to True Happiness 

***In a safehouse somewhere far away***

"Wow, that Moira is hot."

"Um, if you say so, Quatre."

"...so, do you really think I could get a chick like her if I join OZ?"

sweatdrop

"Just wondering. He he he."


	2. The Sequel

***Um. I think I should go to bed now.***

Recruitment: The Sequel 

by Lady Scarlet-Une

Ad #3

A dark room.

Woman's voice (sounding suspiciously like Noin): "If you love me, you'll put it on."

Man (IS it Zechs????): "Aw, c'mon, baby."

Woman: "Please? You're not going to get any without it..."

Man: "Oh, all right."

The bedside lamp switches on to reveal Noin and Zechs in bed. Grumbling, Zechs, opens the night stand drawer and pulls out...his mask. He puts it on.

Zechs: "Happy?"

Noin (seductively): "Turn off the lights, my blonde bishonen warrior."

The light snaps off and various sounds can be heard.

"Oh, my studly Trojan warrior, do it again!"

OZ: Get Some. 

Ad #4

*violins* Da da da da, da da da dum.

A female silhouette with two funny buns on either side of her head walks through a shadowy room. She stops and raises her hand at the exact spot where a wrist communicator is floating in mid-air.

*violins* Da da da dum, da da da da da dum.

The silhouette moves on and pauses in front of an OZ uniform and a pair of floating glasses.

*violins, faster rhythm* da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da

Woman meets up with male silhouette and he hands her a rose. 

Voice Over: OZ. Let her know that you'll be her obsession for a lifetime. 

*violins, big finish* da da da da da da da da dum

Ad #5

Ralph, looking serious and standing in a kitchen.

"This is your body." Shows a "morning" picture of Dr. J.

"This is your body with OZ." Shows a picture of Zechs, shirtless, with Noin hanging off his arm.

"Any questions?"

Ad #6

Background Vocals: Doo doo doo doo doo! Du-aaah!

Sally walking down the street, swinging her purse and whistling happily.

Singer: There's nothing fresher than OZ! Life looks better and bright with OZ, fresh and full of life!

Suddenly, Sally is accosted by 3 ninjas. She throws her purse away and takes a fighting stance.

Singer: Nothing gets to you! Staying fresh staying cool, with OZ, fresh and full of life!

Sally does a roundhouse kick and takes the first one down. Dodging a sword, she reaches down into her boot and pulls out a knife. She eviscerates Ninja #2. She and the last ninja face off.

Singer: Fresh goes better! OZ fresher!

The ninja charges her, but Sally deftly sidesteps him. She pulls a gun out from somewhere and shoots him dead.

Singer: Fresh goes better with OZ, fresh and full of life!

Sally winks at the camera and does a little "victory" hand sign.

OZ: The Fresh Maker 

Ad #7 (magazine ad, two page spread)

Various hunky OZ soldiers are in various state of undress, all surrounding a mobile suit. Zechs, sans shirt with his pants hanging real low, is holding a gun while Trowa, shirt hanging open to reveal his muscular, rippling, hard, sweaty (*slap* bad LS-U) chest, is standing dead center and leaning against a Mobil Suit gun. Treize is standing to the side dressed only in a pair of rose-print boxers and holding a fencing foil.

OZ of the Loom: What Real Men Wear

****

"Major, I've called you into my office today to ask about the progress of your OZ recruitment campaign."

"Well...you see..."

Silence.

"I take it that the campaign has not been as successful as we had hoped?"

"It depends on how you define successful, Colonel Treize."

"I see. And how exactly do _you_ define successful?"

"Well, recruitment rates have actually dropped to 25%. But on the other hand, Zechs has been getting lots of fan mail from inmates."

sweatdrop 


End file.
